The Pain

I haven't updated in a while. I thought I was handling things pretty ok. I assumed after the visitation, things would start getting back to a new normal. But the exact opposite happened. I started taking xanax for anxiety and I didn't react well. I lost motor skill functionality as well as 3 days of my life. And now the pain is worse than before. Much worse. I can't bring my self to shower, clean the house or eat. The only solace I find is through music through blip.fm. I feel like I shouldn't be taking this so hard. People lose their parents every day and manage daily functions. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I act normally just once? I'm terrified of sleeping. My dreams almoat always Mom. That's enough for now. I'll update later.

Day 4

I stayed up all night, till about 6am, listening to music. I was finally able to get about 4 hours of sleep. I think making the arrangements helped with closure a little. The Guest Book at the Charlotte Observer is already filling up. It's so nice to read the comments from her friends. I still don't have much motivation to do anything. Take a shower, clean the house, etc. I guess I'm still in the denial stage of grief. It feels like I'm paralyzed. I just can't make my body do what I know needs to be done. I may add more later.

Day 3

I went to the funeral home today to make arrangements for Mom. My cousin Randy and my Mom's friend from work Debbie and her mother Diane went with me. I'm so glad they did. She wanted to be cremated, so I chose a beautiful stainless steel urn with ornate gold trim. It came with a heart shaped keepsake box with the same pattern. The visitation will be this Wednesday Oct 13 between 6pm and 8pm. I'm terrified of what comes after that though. It will be the first day of a whole new life for me. I've signed up to go to grief counseling. I just can't work through this without some help. Last night I talked to the neighbor behind for a long time and it seemed to help and I was even able to joke a little today with my cousin while reminiscing about Mom.

One hour at a time. That's my new mantra.

Day 2

I didn't sleep much last night and tried to sleep some today but couldn't. I finally managed to get a shower and get dressed. I went to Pet Smart to look for a puppy to adopt. I need something to fill this hole and distract me from the pain.

Every road I turned on had memories of Mom. Places we used to shop, eat, etc. I tried to sit on the back patio, but all I could see were the plants and trees we planted together and projects that never got started and now never will. Please let this end soon. I don't know if I can take much more.

I'm going to the funeral home tomorrow at 10 to discuss options. I know she wanted to be cremated, but I also want to have some sort of service so that family and friends can get together. I'll post the details when I get them.

I just wasn't ready for this.

Mom

I lost my Mom today. She went in the hospital on Sept 1, 2010 to get a breathing treatment, she had COPD, and ended up having a massive heart attack. She was in intensive care for about a month and seemed to be doing much better. She was transferred to a different hospital which specializes in weaning patients off ventilators. There, they had her sitting up on the side of the bed, sitting in a chair and were even going to start getting her to try and walk today. She was incredibly anxious to get home.

They did a procedure this morning that took samples of the fluid in her lungs for examination and apparently this caused her lung to collapse and she ended up having another heart attack. They couldn't bring her back this time.

We had made so many plans for this fall. A trip to the mountains. A trip to the zoo. Everything in this house has her stamp on it. I don't know if I can continue living here anymore. Everything reminds me of her. I see her cooking at the stove, playing with the cats. I see unfinished projects. Christmas decorations that she loved putting out at the holidays. Books she liked to read. Her reading glasses. I know that with time this will get better, but I can't begin to describe the intense pain I'm in right now. She was my best friend.

We talked everyday when I was at work, sometimes several times a day. She was the first person I called when I got news, good or bad. When I'd take a trip for work, I'd call her to let her know what the city was like, the tourist spots, etc. When I went to New York for the first time, I called her from Times Square and she was so excited that I got to go. She was my life.

I can't imagine ever going to the movies again without her. Or eating at our favorite restaurant. Doing anything without her seems like a little slice of hell right now. Signing off for now. I just needed to try and document how I feel. I'll post more later.

Still Grumpy McGrumpersons

snarklepants 008, originally uploaded by dj.shay.

This is a recent pic of Snarx. As you can see, he is stll not amused.

Long Time No See!

Well, it's been a while. Since my trip to San Frnacisco, Snarklepants has gotten bigger and grumpier. And yes, I've aquired another cat. Tigger! These pics are some that were taken a couple of weeks ago and today. Enjoy!