The Pain

I haven't updated in a while. I thought I was handling things pretty ok. I assumed after the visitation, things would start getting back to a new normal. But the exact opposite happened. I started taking xanax for anxiety and I didn't react well. I lost motor skill functionality as well as 3 days of my life. And now the pain is worse than before. Much worse. I can't bring my self to shower, clean the house or eat. The only solace I find is through music through blip.fm. I feel like I shouldn't be taking this so hard. People lose their parents every day and manage daily functions. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I act normally just once? I'm terrified of sleeping. My dreams almoat always Mom. That's enough for now. I'll update later.

Day 4

I stayed up all night, till about 6am, listening to music. I was finally able to get about 4 hours of sleep. I think making the arrangements helped with closure a little. The Guest Book at the Charlotte Observer is already filling up. It's so nice to read the comments from her friends. I still don't have much motivation to do anything. Take a shower, clean the house, etc. I guess I'm still in the denial stage of grief. It feels like I'm paralyzed. I just can't make my body do what I know needs to be done. I may add more later.

Day 3

I went to the funeral home today to make arrangements for Mom. My cousin Randy and my Mom's friend from work Debbie and her mother Diane went with me. I'm so glad they did. She wanted to be cremated, so I chose a beautiful stainless steel urn with ornate gold trim. It came with a heart shaped keepsake box with the same pattern. The visitation will be this Wednesday Oct 13 between 6pm and 8pm. I'm terrified of what comes after that though. It will be the first day of a whole new life for me. I've signed up to go to grief counseling. I just can't work through this without some help. Last night I talked to the neighbor behind for a long time and it seemed to help and I was even able to joke a little today with my cousin while reminiscing about Mom.

One hour at a time. That's my new mantra.

Day 2

I didn't sleep much last night and tried to sleep some today but couldn't. I finally managed to get a shower and get dressed. I went to Pet Smart to look for a puppy to adopt. I need something to fill this hole and distract me from the pain.

Every road I turned on had memories of Mom. Places we used to shop, eat, etc. I tried to sit on the back patio, but all I could see were the plants and trees we planted together and projects that never got started and now never will. Please let this end soon. I don't know if I can take much more.

I'm going to the funeral home tomorrow at 10 to discuss options. I know she wanted to be cremated, but I also want to have some sort of service so that family and friends can get together. I'll post the details when I get them.

I just wasn't ready for this.

Mom

I lost my Mom today. She went in the hospital on Sept 1, 2010 to get a breathing treatment, she had COPD, and ended up having a massive heart attack. She was in intensive care for about a month and seemed to be doing much better. She was transferred to a different hospital which specializes in weaning patients off ventilators. There, they had her sitting up on the side of the bed, sitting in a chair and were even going to start getting her to try and walk today. She was incredibly anxious to get home.

They did a procedure this morning that took samples of the fluid in her lungs for examination and apparently this caused her lung to collapse and she ended up having another heart attack. They couldn't bring her back this time.

We had made so many plans for this fall. A trip to the mountains. A trip to the zoo. Everything in this house has her stamp on it. I don't know if I can continue living here anymore. Everything reminds me of her. I see her cooking at the stove, playing with the cats. I see unfinished projects. Christmas decorations that she loved putting out at the holidays. Books she liked to read. Her reading glasses. I know that with time this will get better, but I can't begin to describe the intense pain I'm in right now. She was my best friend.

We talked everyday when I was at work, sometimes several times a day. She was the first person I called when I got news, good or bad. When I'd take a trip for work, I'd call her to let her know what the city was like, the tourist spots, etc. When I went to New York for the first time, I called her from Times Square and she was so excited that I got to go. She was my life.

I can't imagine ever going to the movies again without her. Or eating at our favorite restaurant. Doing anything without her seems like a little slice of hell right now. Signing off for now. I just needed to try and document how I feel. I'll post more later.

Still Grumpy McGrumpersons

snarklepants 008, originally uploaded by dj.shay.

This is a recent pic of Snarx. As you can see, he is stll not amused.

Long Time No See!

Well, it's been a while. Since my trip to San Frnacisco, Snarklepants has gotten bigger and grumpier. And yes, I've aquired another cat. Tigger! These pics are some that were taken a couple of weeks ago and today. Enjoy!

I LOVE SAN FRANCISCO!!

Today I was in a training session all day and met a very nice colleague from Seattle, WA. We ended up going to lunch at a place called The Slanted Door, a Vietnamese restaurant in the Ferry Building at the Port of San Francisco. Here are some pics of the view from the restaurant:



This was our waitress:



This is the building itself:



The fog here is beautiful to watch and after class, I went and picked up some dinner from a deli across the street and came back and sat on the balcony. Below is a view of the Coit Tower with fog rolling in around it:



Tomorrow night I am doing the twilight tour of Alcatraz. I can't wait!!

I'm in San Francisco!!

So, I flew into San Francisco this morning and it is absolutely GORGEOUS here. My hotel faces the bay and I can see the Oakland Bay Bridge from my balcony. I ended up paying extra for the balcony bay view, but it is totally worth is as you can see from the pics below. I'll be in training classes all day tomorrow and Monday and then Tuesday is the User Group conference with breakout sessions, but Wednesday I should be able to do some sightseeing. I got tickets to tour Alcatraz Monday night and Fisherman's Wharf pass for Wednesday that includes the Bay Aquarium and a Bay Cruise tour.

Stay tuned for more updates :) I hope Snarks doesn't forget me while I'm gone :(

What a Difference a Zoom Lens Makes

So, I got a new zoom lens for my Nikon camera and just look at these gorgeous pics of Sir Snarks!



You can see his tiny little ear tuffs!!





I'm going to try some video tomorrow with the new lens.

The Deed Is Done

So, Sir Snarklepants is now gender neutral. When I picked him up, I expected him to be pretty lethargic, 'cause he ain't the most active cat. But much to my surprise, being unmanned seems to have given him more energy. Either that or it's a reaction to the anaesthesia. Either way, I've never seen him this energetic before:





Now I just have to work on getting him used to being indoors.

Snarks Last Day As A Man

The time has come. Today is Sir Snarklepants' last day with his manhood fully intact. I drop him off tomorrow morning at 7:30 and when he comes home again, he will be snipped and chipped. A final video before the big day.




He's going to hate me for this. I just know it.

I'm Back Ya'll!

After a crazy 3 weeks, I'm back to a somewhat normal state. A lot has happened in those 3 weeks. A major project has gone live at work with much gnashing of the teeth. Still. And I went to Pittsburgh, PA for 4 days. Mom brought home a cat from a friend of hers who has been declawed named Morris. His previous home had 2 other cats that constantly tormented him, so we decided to bring him here. And he's settled in very well. I hope to have a pic up tomorrow for everyone to see. Beautiful cat and exceptionally friendly.

Also, I have some sad news. None of the kittens made it. Apparently Momcat stopped feeding them while I was in Pittsburgh and when I got back they were too far gone to save. But that's nature for you.

Sir Snarklepants on the other hand is coming along famously! Below are some pics I took this afternoon with that snazzy new camera that I still haven't learned to operate properly. But I did get a book on Amazon that was delivered today that should be very helpful.

I swear he knows just how to pose whenever he sees that camera come out.



This is Momcat. She is brought to you by the letter U



And I cemented my love for pooties, I mean cats with this awesome tattoo last night! It hurt like crazy, but I think it was well worth it:





So, that's where I've been for the last 3 weeks. And I'll be traveling to San Francisco for work in about 2 weeks. After that, I'm done with traveling for a while. I miss my babies too much when I'm away.

I Know, I Know, It's Supposed To Be Daily

But I'm up against a very tight project deadline at work and to top it off, I've got a sinus infection that's sapping what little energy I have. I am starting to feel a bit better though, thanks for asking :)

I took these shots a couple of days ago. Sir Snarklepants is allowing me to pick him up now. I don't think he's entirely comfortable with it, but he doesn't squirm to get down and he also doesn't back away when I'm petting him. Video evidence is below. So no Daniel and Brian, it's NOT Catsploitation.

Ok, so maybe he jumps down, but he was there a looooong time before he jumped down



As for the other kitties, Momcat has moved them to the back patio. And now they are sleeping in the food dish.



The little black one follows me around every time I go outside now:



They all seem to be doing ok. I also bought a new camera and it looks very intimidating. Which is why the shots above were taken with my other camera. Look for the new camera pics this weekend.

Getting Discouraged

Snarkle still runs from me and acts like he wants to be petted, but tries to get away from me whenever I do pet him. It's been a crazy week and I haven't spent as much time with him as I should, but I will rectify that this weekend. I have my doubts I'll ever get him to be an indoor cat with reactions like this:





I'll just have to keep at it I guess. Meanwhile in the front of the house, the kittens are getting more adventurous. This little guy followed Momcat all the way from under the front porch to the carport



And the others are venturing out when I put moist food out for the Momcat. And they are very tame. When you pick them up they just seem to go limp. I'll have to get some video of that soon. Quite amusing.



Also, all the rain we've been getting has really made the wildflowers bloom. Here's some shots I took with my soon to be spare camera the Canon Power Shot. I am upgrading to a Nikon Digital SLR, so be prepared for some crazy looking pics in the future as I get used to "real" photography as opposed to just "point and click"









And one last picture of teh laziest cat evah!



Have a great weekend everyone!!

New Post Coming Soon

I was too tired and it was taking too long for vids to upload last night to post any updates, but I'm working on them now and should have something up soon.

Counting Down the Days

I'm just counting down the days until I can get Sir Snarklepants fixed. He likes to hang out underneath our neighbor's car and that's how his brother got hurt. But as soon as he's snipped, he'll be inside, and no Brian Neuticles will NOT be an option! So here's some vid of his majesty lazing around on a hot summer day. And his paws kill me. I don't know why, but I just love them. He's not real happy about being woke up:



I also got some shots of the other kittens. I've started leaving moist food out for them in the afternoon. They can smell is and gets them out from underneath the porch and it prompts Momcat to nurse them a little more.



Here's video of the black one and the one I call "Camera Hog" playing:



It won't be too long before they'll be venturing out without Momcat. Hopefully I can find homes for them all. Have a great evening everyone!!

It's Getting Ready To Storm

One of nice southern hot hazy, late in the day induced storms that cool the weather down about 10 to 15 degrees. So, no new pics or vids today, but here are some "outtakes" that I haven't posted yet. I had to bring work home with me too, so it's cut into my kitten time. enjoy!

The always sleeping Sir Snarklepants:



And a few rare "action" shots. These are hard to come by!







I wonder how big he'll get? In some pictures it seems like he's all feet, which is fine with me. I love big kitties. It's fun watching him grow. Anybody know if paw size is an indication of how big they'll get?

We've Come A Lomg Way Baby

More Snarklepants video as he slept on an end table on our patio. He looks slightly perturved as I wake him up:



Can you bielieve that a little less than 2 months ago, this little guy wouldn't let me near him, much less pet him. And look at him now. He's practically begging for scritches. Ok maybe begging is too strong a word, but look at how he exposes his neck for me. He'll be sleeping with me before long :)




The kittens seem to be healthy as well. They are now eating a the little of the fish food I put out for Momcat.

More Kitten Monitoring. 5th Kitten Found

It was a short, but very hoy day today, playing with the kittens And the missing one finally showed up I don't if he's too big to get through the lattice, or hasn't hasn't figured it out yet.



The back and grey one show up too.



All in all it was too hot to much of anything, so I stared inside mosr of the day, Tomorrow is hopefully going to be a lot cooler